MOMMY’S LITTLE GIRL
“Mommy we have to go right now!” Esther shouted from the bottom of the stairs.
“Esther, you know your mother doesn’t need any added stress right now. The babies have only a month to go before they’re ready…” Jack tried to reason with his daughter, but Esther wasn’t listening. He sighed as he injected another meal into Ezra’s feeding tube. The boy was drowsily seated on his father’s lap, staring into space.
“We’re going to be late! This is the most important dance of the year! And what if the people from the Solomon Centre are there? What if they don’t pick me to join their company just because I’m late?!”
“Ess, please try and calm down,” Jack replied. “Come here,” he beckoned, straightening her tutu and fixing her hair. “I’m sorry I can’t come watch you, pumpkin.”
Esther shrugged, pretending it didn’t bother her. She felt a pit in her stomach and suddenly felt like bursting into tears.
“I have to be here for your brother this time, but I promise I’ll be there for your next one.” Jack regretted saying anything at all. He could see the tears in his daughter’s eyes.
Esther put her head on her dad’s shoulder and tried not to be envious of the attention Ezra got due to his disability.
Jack held his youngest children closer and kissed the top of Esther’s head. “It’s okay, pumpkin,” he said to her, spying his wife slowly heading down the stairs, “now go break a leg for your old dad.”
Esther broke away and smiled half-heartedly. “Thanks, Daddy.”
“Esther, sweet pea, do you need to use the bathroom before we go?” Penny asked. Though Esther had been potty trained for more than six years with hardly any accidents, she had been neglecting going to the bathroom at opportune times. She had also had several accidents since Penny found out about the twins. Penny was worried about her daughter, and hoped that constant reminders would help the nearly-nine-year-old avoid embarrassment.
Esther glared at her mother. “No!”
“I’m just making sure, sweet pea. We wouldn’t want a repeat of last time-”
“I don’t have to go to the bathroom!” Esther exclaimed, “Let’s go let’s go let’s go!”
Esther buckled herself into the car and took a long drink from her water bottle. It was hot in the car, and she knew she would need to hydrate before the performance.
“Are you excited, Ess?” Penny asked.
Esther crossed her legs. “I guess,” she mumbled, bouncing her crossed legs in time to the beat on the radio.
“You guess? I thought this was the biggest show of the year,” Penny pried.
Esther uncrossed her legs and kept bouncing. Her knees pressed together, dainty and slight in her tights. “Yeah,” Esther replied. Her mind was elsewhere.
“If you’re nervous, just take deep breaths. You’ll do great, sweet pea. You’re always great.”
Esther took another sip of her water, which she instantly regretted. She already had to pee but she couldn’t let her mother win this one. Esther stopped bouncing and shuffled back in her seat, squeezing her legs together. It was going to be okay; Esther could see the dance studio just meters away. She tried not to think about her bladder, but as they got closer, she felt more and more desperate. Esther put her hand in her lap, trying to disguise the hold as a nervous stomach ache.
The car came to a halt and Esther felt her bladder spasm. She winced as some of her pee escaped, soaking her panties and probably her leotard (she was too afraid to check). Esther crossed her legs again, uncontrollably wiggling to keep herself from getting any wetter.
“Now Esther, before you go directly to your class, can we hit the bathroom?”
“I, um, I don’t…”
“Esther, I want you to try. You look like you’re about to burst.”
“No, really, I don’t have to-”
“Esther, you need to try. This isn’t an option,” Penny demanded, grabbing her daughter’s hand and bringing her to the one family bathroom. She helped her wiggling little girl remove her leotard before forcing her to sit at the toilet.
“I don’t want to do this!” whined Esther, who sat on the cold toilet, scraping her feet together. She was going to keep holding it until she could either have some privacy or be at home where she felt comfortable.
“Esther, if you can’t go to the bathroom like a big girl, maybe we will have to invest in some diapers. You can’t be in fourth grade and be peeing your pants every day. It’s just not normal.”
“Mommy I don’t have to go!” Esther swore, “I don’t have to go pee-pee.”
Penny hadn’t heard her daughter use such babyish words in a long time. “Well, if you really don’t need to go, I’m going to go before the show. Your sisters really make it hard for me to hold it…” Penny stopped herself before giving her young daughter too much information.
The second Penny took her seat in the audience, she could feel her bladder swell again. The twins weren’t making her life easy at the moment. She squeezed her thighs and wondered if she could make it through the whole show. Thankfully, Esther’s group was the first to perform… perhaps when they were done, she could go for another pee? Penny cursed herself for even coming down to the show. She tapped her foot as the lights dimmed and Esther’s dance teacher, Miss Ksenia, introduced her youngest group of dancers.
As the girls paraded on stage, Penny couldn’t help but notice Esther holding her crotch and squeezing her knees together whatever chance she got. Her legs were shaky and her dancing was off. She definitely needed to go, and badly. Penny felt instantly terrible. Had she made going to the bathroom uncomfortable? She crossed one leg over the other and adjusted her skirt, continuing to tap one foot for feigned control. Penny gritted her teeth and gripped the side of the plastic chair she was sitting in. She was glad it was dark in the gym and nobody could see how desperate she was.
On stage, Esther was having trouble holding on. Her right hand was arched above her head, and as she attempted to spin, she wadded her already wet leggings up in her crotch. It helped a bit to keep the fabric tight, but her pee was coming, no matter how she tried to hold it in. She no longer cared if the audience knew she had to go, squeezing her knees together and hopping from foot to foot. She pretended it was part of a solo.
The other girls took turns looking at her, confused and angry that she was ruining their dance.
“You’re not dancing right. You’re going to ruin our score!”
“You’re not even good enough for this group.”
“Why didn’t you just go to the bathroom, Esther?!”
“You’re gonna pee your pants in front of all the judges from the Solomon Centre and they’re never going to want you.”
Esther closed her eyes and tried to ignore the taunts… but they were right. Why didn’t she just go pee?
Penny’s had made its way to her quivering crotch. She felt dampness and was unsure if it was urine or…
She closed her eyes for a moment and thought about how much Jack would’ve enjoyed this moment. Gently, she rubbed the wet spot on her dark pregnancy jeans before desperately jamming her fingers in to help with the hold. She shivered, not knowing whether she enjoyed the discomfort or if she had just sexualized it because of Jack’s fetish. Penny let out a short burst of urine. Her time was nearly up; she would have to get to the bathroom before the lights came back on. She held tighter and tried to watch the end of Esther’s routine. The girl was barely moving at this point. She just stood there, vibrating in the centre of the stage, holding herself with both hands. As the music stopped, she just stood there with wide eyes and began to pee herself. Esther gasped, looking fearfully at the audience before running off stage in tears. Penny pressed on her crotch and suppressed a groan as she got up from her seat and went after her daughter.
Penny pushed open the door to the ladies’ bathroom, where Esther sat on the floor, crying in her damp clothes.
“Sweet pea, are you-”
“Go away!” Esther wailed.
“Essie, it’s okay. It was just an accident. I’m sorry I tried to make you go…” Penny attempted to repent for what was likely terrible parenting.
“Mommy, I’m sorry…” Esther sniffled.
“No, sweet pea. It’s going to be okay.”
“Please don’t make me wear diapers,” Esther begged.
Penny wrapped her arms around her tearful daughter. “If you need diapers for what happened, I guess I do too…”
Esther gasped as she discovered the growing wet spot on her mother’s jeans.
“Everyone has accidents,” Penny said with a smile, “Let’s go home.”
The two of them climbed back into the car, sitting on a couple of towels Penny had left in the car after her near accident months ago.
“Mommy, why did you pee your pants?” Esther asked, during the drive home.
“Sometimes when you’re pregnant, you have a hard time controlling your bladder. And with the babies in there, everything gets a little… squished.”
“Oh,” Esther said.
“Why didn’t you go to the bathroom when I asked you to?” Penny replied.
“You knew you had to go, didn’t you?”
Esther looked at her feet and uncomfortably nodded.
“Were you scared to? You don’t need to be scared of using the public bathrooms. They’re not the cleanest, but still better than peeing your pants.”
Esther shrugged again.
“Well, what is it, sweet pea? Do you need me and Daddy to help you remember to go?”
Tears welled up in Esther’s eyes and she began to sob.
Penny pulled over to the side of the road. She unbuckled herself and gave her daughter a big hug as Esther continued to sob. When the little girl was finished having a cry, Penny tried again. “Essie, what’s going on?”
“I-I’m scared that once the babies come, y-you won’t love me anymore!” Esther admitted, starting to cry again.
“Esther!” Penny exclaimed, suddenly feeling horrible. She held her daughter closer and gave her a kiss on the forehead. “Oh Esther, I will love you forever. And I will love your baby sisters just like I love you and Ezra and Edith and Elias. I will never love any of you any less; I promise you, okay?”
“Okay,” Esther replied, wiping the tears from her eyes, “Oh. Mom?”
“Yes, sweet pea?”
“I have to go to the bathroom again.”